So if you follow my twitter, facebook, or flickr updates, you are probably aware that I went and saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull last night.  I’ll admit that I’m far from the biggest Indy fan out there but I’ve seen the originals enough to know that they are pretty freaking awesome.  Well, except for Temple of Doom but 2 out of 3 ain’t bad.  Walking out of the theater, if I had to rename the movie, I would have gone with either “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Steaming Pile of Poo” or “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom . . . What the Hell?”

*from here on there will be spoilers*

(but really, this movie pretty much sucked so just keep reading and I’ll save you $10)

So KOTCS starts out all right.  The moment when Harrison Ford puts on his trademark leather fedora is pretty awesome.  And Ford is in UNBELIEVABLE shape for this movie.  There is a scene of him getting scrubbed down to clean off nuclear radiation and he’s a little flabby from age but still clearly fit.  And he moved incredibly well, never seeming to be lumbering or awkward during stunt sequences.  Yes some of this was a stunt double, but Ford himself did the vast majority of the stunt work required for the film.

The acting as a whole is pretty decent, too.  Ford, is well, Indy.  I think though he benefits from Indy aging much, much better than Han Solo would.  Shia LaBouf is, also, solid.  If he is going to be the dominant leading action hero of the next 20 years, I’m all right with that.  At minimum, he is light years ahead of Hayden Christiansen.  Cate Blanchett was, oddly, my least favorite performance in the movie.  Which is a little odd because after Steve Zissu and The Aviator I figured that she was one of the types where if they made a movie of her having a conversation with a potted plant it would be riveting.  Her accent kept doing a Connery-esque slide from Russian back to a British/Australia thing.  It was hard to take her seriously as the villain because as tough as she acted, the script let her down.  She plays a psychic who clearly isn’t psychic and ruthless Russian who isn’t ruthless (or even Russian, as Jones points out she is Ukrainian).  She never has a moment where she gets to be heartless.  The best villains (certainly Indiana Jones villains) are driving by a lust for ultimate power and have no problem sacrificing anyone and anything to get it.  Blanchett rather just kind of bumbles along until finally meeting a CG fate that isn’t really all that terrible.  Seriously, how can you have an Indy movie without melting faces?

Anyway, since I already mentioned it, lets talk about the script for a moment.  And to that end I say, Lucas, seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?  Are you on drugs?  Did you wake up one day thinking if there is one thing missing from Indiana Jones it’s aliens?  I understand that you decided not to use Nazi’s because Spielberg thought that whole thing was a little played out and you wanted to make an accurate period piece, but dude, you had aliens.  Actually, to be correct, they weren’t aliens, were they?  No, they were trans-dimensional beings.  You were worried about people believing the Nazi’s could still be chasing Indy but you were cool with having an alien space ship rise up out of the Amazon rain forest?  And what was with the gunpowder at the start of the movie?  I can understand having it fall in a general direction, but when it starts floating down the aisles of the warehouse?  Oh, and then there is the lead lined uber-fridge.  An atomic blast destroys everything in town but Indy in his lead lined Frigidaire flying high above the Nevada desert survives without a scratch?  And why were there only 6 guys guarding all of America’s secrets at Area 51?  And when did Shia LaBouf turn into Tarzan?  And why are Irena Spalko’s henchmen so willing to follow her around and take orders when she is obviously a crock?  And did we really need Mac being a double, double agent?  And perhaps the single worst offense of the whole movie, “knowledge is their treasure.”  Wow, buddy, have you been hanging out with Jimbo Wales?  Did you really need to ram a moral down everyones collective throats?

Whatever, I’ve been writing far to much about a movie that really doesn’t deserve it.  So if you want a quick summation of the movie, think National Treasure II (the bad one) mixed with Stargate and way too much suck.

P.S. wow, who knew South Park would get it right?

Filed under: life by Jonathan Assink