One thing that has been keeping me busy recently is a video project for my church, Sanctuary CRC. We are starting a new sermon series on the role of Kingdom justice in our lives and what that means for us and the church.

I helped produce a video to introduce this series to the congregation. Even though it is only just over two minutes long, this is the longest video project I have shot and edited on my own.

Thought I would share it here to prove I’m not dead or in hiding. =) Hope you enjoy it!

Click here to view the embedded video.

In one sense we are always traveling,
and traveling as if we did not know where we were going.
In another sense we have already arrived.
We cannot arrive at the perfect possession of God in this life,
and that is why we are traveling and in darkness.
But we already possess Him by grace,
and therefore in that sense,
we have arrived and are dwelling in the light.
But oh! How far have I to go to find You
in Whom I have already arrived!

By: Thomas Merton

Click here to view the embedded video.

Michael Gungor Band – Song For My Family

I have never been one for apologizing about not posting here on my blog. I typically wait until I have something meaningful to say–at least in my mind–before writing. I have been working through a lot of things in my head the last couple months but I don’t know that any of them are ready for public consumption yet, so I have been woefully slow to publish anything here. Rest assured though I have been doing plenty of writing.

If you’d like to see some of what I’ve been up to, you can check out this series of posts I wrote for the Jolkona Foundation here in Seattle about how their work relates to the UN Millennium Development Goals.

I have also been participating the last few weeks in a writing group based around Julia Cameron’s book The Artists Way. I have been writing three pages a day as part of a “morning pages” exercise for that group. If you’d like to know more about The Artists Way, here’s a link to the book on Amazon.

So all of this is to simply say that I am writing, I hope to return to posting here soon, and hopefully I’ll return with some exciting and inspiring new work and ideas. =]

I’m up on Orcas Island at an art and faith conference called Kindlings Fest. I wanted to take time to put this post up and share the talk I gave last Sunday at my Dad’s church in Edmonds. Most of this is based on portions of my thesis, but I didn’t go into any of the art stuff. Take a look and let me know what you think. This is the first time I’ve talked about anything like this so I’d love to hear your feedback! (EDIT: I should clarify, this is not just the first time I’ve given this talk, it’s the first time I’ve done any kind of public speaking outside of school. So I really would love your feedback! )

.

re_defining justice

Click here to view the embedded video.

“When I look back on my own conversion, I cannot credit a gospel tract or an altar call or an exposition of John 3:16. I had encountered these things many times over in childhood and had learned to mistrust them because of the lies my church in the fundamentalist South had told me. Rather, nature, classical music, and romantic love formed the channel of grace that awakened my senses to perception of God. Through that channel I came to believe, first in a good world and then in a good God. It is a terrible thing to feel gratitude and have no one to thank, to feel awe and have no one to worship. Gradually, prompted by beauty and by art, I returned to the castoff faith of my childhood.”

-Philip Yancy

“Like most writers who have been subjected to the editing process, [Thomas] Jefferson thought the final text [of the Declaration of Independence] depressingly inferior to his original, and, like most writers, he was wrong.”
-Bill Bryson, Made in America: An Informal History of the English Language in the United States

“Much could be said about the theological, ethical and social symbolism of our worship space, but here I’m speaking primarily about the importance of aesthetic beauty. Beauty in the worship space is not intended merely to give pleasure to the congregant. It is there for the glorification and praise of the divine. If, as theologians assert, God is not only the Good and the True but also the Beautiful, then only through an experience of beauty may we fully know God. To be good and true ourselves, we need to bring the beautiful into our worship, formation, and fellowship…

To speak of God as Beauty is to speak of a transcendent attractiveness, not a superficial one, of an awesome splendor and magnetic power that both humble and challenge us.”

-Robin M. Jensen, “The Substance of Things Seen”

Monday was a great day.

I woke up, hung out at home for a bit, met up with some friends from work for a bit, had a great happy hour dinner at a Puerto Rican restaurant and then met up with my friend Joe to look at a house for rent Ballard. We have been talking for a few months about renting a place together with another friend of his, Randall, and the house we looked at that night was AWESOME. It is in the perfect location, has a fantastic brand new kitchen and beautiful hardwood floors throughout. It was pretty much exactly what we had been looking for so we filled out housing applications and wrote a big deposit check, giving both to the landlady.

After that I came home and told my parents about this place. I was so excited to be moving forward with this next stage of my life. This house, in many ways, represented a dream I’ve had for a few years of living with friends in the city. Living with my parents has been great, but living all the way up in Edmonds when my life is down in Seattle has been increasingly difficult. After talking with them I watched some TV, wrote a few emails and went to bed.

Then out of nowhere I had my first ever anxiety attack.

Panic attacks are periods of intense fear or apprehension that are of sudden onset and of relatively brief duration. Panic attacks usually begin abruptly, reach a peak within 10 minutes, and subside over the next several hours. Often those afflicted will experience significant anticipatory anxiety and limited symptom attacks in between attacks, in situations where attacks have previously occurred. The effects of a panic attack vary. Some, notably first-time sufferers, may call for emergency services. Many who experience a panic attack, mostly for the first time, fear they are having a heart attack or a nervous breakdown. Experiencing a panic attack has been said to be one of the most intensely frightening, upsetting and uncomfortable experiences of a person’s life and may take days to initially recover from.

Via Wikipedia

I wasn’t at the point of thinking I was having a heart attack or a nervous breakdown, but laying there in bed my heart was beating loud and fast in my ears. I tossed and turned. I tried to calm myself. I tried to pray. I tried to tell myself I’d sleep it off and everything would be fine in the morning. Finally I fell asleep. Within minutes of waking up Tuesday morning though the feeling was back again.

All I could think about was the math of how much rent would cost versus my income. I started thinking about how buried I would be financially and how quickly that would happen. I started thinking about not affording gas or even food. I imagined myself having to move back in with my parents after a couple months, completely broke and with this huge financial cloud over my head.

I rolled over and yelled into my pillow, “Holy shit. What have I done?”

—–

Part of life as a post-modern twentysomething is living with this vague existential fear that your life has no meaning. Maybe that’s a little extreme. But my point is that to some degree we all live with fear of something every single day of our life. Fear of failure, fear of being alone, fear of success, fear of uncertainty, etc. Part of being a functional adult is learning how to manage that fear so it becomes a useful tool for making decisions and driving us forward. But if we fail to control it and instead succumb to it, it becomes a paralytic. Fear can stop us dead in our tracks and leave us unable to move or even think rationally. One take away for me is that I have enormous sympathy now for people who have anxiety disorders. What I experienced was probably more of a “limited symptom attack” as described above, but it was still extremely intense and frightening.

When I was still living in California I went on the zipline tour at Mount Hermon while they were still training the staff. Though I certainly wouldn’t call it a phobia, I am very uncomfortable around heights. I did the zipline because I knew it was completely safe and I figured this was a good way to face my fear and overcome it. My fear of heights in this case was completely irrational when you took into account all of the safety precautions.

A little over a year ago, for the first time in my life I asked a girl out on a date. For 27 years my fear of rejection kept me from asking a simple question–”Would you like to get dinner some time?” You know what happened? We had a great dinner together, and even though it didn’t go anywhere we are still good friends today. The fear was again completely irrational for an adult.

Up until last night I would have said fear is all in our head. We should at least attempt things we’re afraid of because whether we succeed or fail we gain valuable life experience. Now I’m not so sure. What about when fear becomes so intense that it manifests itself physically? After my little panic attack, I have a new respect for true fear.

About a week ago I sent an email to my parents detailing the reasons why I thought moving out now was a good plan, even if I didn’t have full time employment secured anywhere yet. I told them I felt it would be easy for me to grow sedentary–physically and vocationally–living at home now that school is done. Told them moving out would keep my life going in the right direction. I still don’t take back any of what I wrote. But as I was talking with my dad Tuesday morning, all of this was based on my interpretation of what I kept hearing from God. Every time I prayed about moving out the answer I heard was, “Trust me.” I interpreted this as God saying, “Go ahead, I will provide.” I told my dad that, upon reflection, the message was actually, “Be patient, I will do things in My Own time, not yours.” I think my anxiety attack last night was God not so subtlety getting my attention and preventing me from making a big mistake. In my deep desire for what I wanted–to live in the city and live with friends–I was hearing what I wanted God’s message to be rather than what He was really saying.

When fear is so intense it manifests in physical symptoms, we need to stop and reassess our present course of action. Don’t be paralyzed by fear, but don’t ignore it either. And this I think holds true even if you aren’t a person of faith. Call it your inner voice, your sub-conscience or “The Universe”, whatever. Don’t ignore fear that might be there for good reason.

—–

Fortunately, my friend Joe is an awesome guy and there was no serious harm done in our backing out of the rental application. I am sad that I won’t be living in a house with him and Randall. I was looking forward to large dinner parties and late night discussions about theology and web design.

I don’t know what plans God has in store for me. I don’t know when I will find my post grad school career. I don’t know when I will move out of my parents house. But I know when the time is right, the right choice will be clear and I will have nothing to fear. Of that I am sure.

According to Wikipedia, “Justice is the concept of moral rightness based on ethics, rationality, law, natural law, religion, fairness, or equity, along with the punishment of the breach of said ethics.”

Last night, President Obama announced, “Justice has been done.” Osama bin Ladin is dead.

Statements like this cause me to question our understanding of justice. Certainly by the definition above the killing of Osama bin Ladin is easily considered an act of justice. But is it really? I just finished writing a 35 page thesis centered on the idea justice is found in the restoration of relationships, that justice is grace and reconciliation.

By any measure imaginable the killing of bin Laden was not only permissible but it was the “right” thing to do. His death somehow brings a modicum of justice for all the suffering caused by the 9/11 attacks. This was what had to be done. It was the morally right thing to do.

But I struggle to see how the killing–he didn’t die by accident, this was a premeditated act–of an individual, no matter how evil, truly brings justice. In my opinion, this was punishment. There is no reconciliation that will happen as a result of his death. Beyond the initial euphoria of his demise, most people in the West will realize there are still extremists on all fringes who are willing to inflict pain and suffering to advance what they believe is a just cause. We still live in a fallen world of fallen people.

This is why we cannot bind the concepts of justice and punishment. I have seen Christians post verses referencing God granting authority to worldly powers to carry out judgement. Granted, I am no Biblical scholar, but I think this reading is wrong. Our legal system is really built on restitution instead of restoration, we even talk about criminals paying their debt to society. The government simply having the power to bring punishment does not mean that power is always truly righteous and just. In fact, believing the state has the divine authority to enforce moral codes is essentially the concept of Sharia law–the state enforcing a strict religious code to ensure a nation of right living people. I think God does use governmental powers to punish and reward, but I do not believe they are his ideal vehicle for true justice. Rather than functioning as wrathful instruments of God’s vengeance, I believe God has called Christians to be instruments of justice–healing and restoring broken people and relationships.

Yet real life is rarely so straightforward. If real justice as I am beginning to understand it is the restoration and reconciliation of relationships, I don’t know if that could be achieved here. I don’t know that any degree of repentance or soliciting of forgiveness could have reconciled bin Laden to the events of 9/11 and the people who’s lives were changed as a result. And I certainly wouldn’t presume upon the survivors and families effected by 9/11 to offer forgiveness of their own volition. In this situation, only God’s perfect grace and love can move them to such a decision.

Harry Waizer, a World Trade Center survivor, paused nearly a minute before he began to speak when reached by phone.

“If this means there is one less death in the future, then I’m glad for that,” said Mr. Waizer, who was in an elevator riding to work when the plane struck the building. He made it down the stairs, but suffered third-degree burns.

“But I just can’t find it in me to be glad one more person is dead, even if it is Osama bin Laden.”

Asked whether he felt any closure, Mr. Waizer said: “I’ve said for years I didn’t think there would be, but I’ll probably need to think about that more, now that it actually happened.”

“You know, the dead are still dead,” he added. “So in that sense, there is no such thing as closure.”

(via NYTimes)

So where does this leave us? Are we to celebrate the death of a mass murderer? Are we to delight in his erasure? Are we to quote Bible verses supporting our view that God will send the forces of righteousness (who oddly seem to often be pictured wearing the American flag) to punish the wicked?

I would suggest rather than celebrate the violent killing of five human beings in retaliation for the thousands who died on 9/11, we pray. We pray for the men and women who risk their lives protecting our country. We pray for the world leaders involved in making life and death decisions ever day. We pray for the broken economic, social and political systems that leave millions of people around the globe feeling they have no alternative but violence. And I suggest we pray for true justice; for mercy and grace; for the reconciliation and healing of relationships between people, cultures and religions.