Well, it doesn’t happen often but I managed to be blindsided by a bit of Pablo Neruda motivated poetry inspiration.  Although there is something morbidly fitting that death is the subject matter.  Anyway, without further ado here is a poem dedicated to a dying oak tree at Mount Hermon. . .

Ode to the Death of an Old Friend

do you know you are dying
you don’t look like you are
you look strong and healthy
your branches like arms
stretching to the heavens
maybe you are already on your way

do you feel the changes
maybe you are confused
maybe you think autumn is coming early
that it is the world
which is changing
not you

maybe you know
maybe you have heard
in the whispers of your visiting friends
in the feigning glances of passers-by
or in the wet eyes of your neighbors
or maybe you just know
as sometimes people do

take heart and know you will be missed
it may not be much comfort
but we will celebrate your last days
sit in your shade
and watch you sway in the cool breeze
and we will curse the sweet smelling assassin
who brought your demise

farewell old friend
you are leaving much too soon

I was talking at work today with a friend who just found out that a guy she grew up with was killed in a car accident this weekend.  This combined with Dan’s first Sunday back after his dad’s passing, I’ve been thinking a lot again about the eternal dance of life and death and faith.  The more I think of it the less scary and confusing it becomes.  I know that must sound incredibly strange to read so let me try to explain.  As I’ve written about before, when I read the first question and answer from the Heidelberg Catechism I can’t help but feel at peace with the reality of my mortality.  It is strange sometimes to realize that at any given moment, any number of completely random events can occur that can end life, car crashes, random shootings, freak heart attacks, and yet, the knowledge God has a purpose for my life and until that purpose is fulfilled, not a hair on my head will come to harm, how powerful!  At the same time, acknowledging the broken state of our human nature frees us from the fear of death when it does one day come.  When we come to accept we can never achieve perfection in this lifetime or state, how beautiful it becomes when we are made complete in the presence of our loving Savior!

I’m a big cry baby. Really, it’s true. I actually felt myself getting teary eyed during tonights episode of House. I don’t know quite why but when I watch TV shows or movies that deal with slow, inevitable death it always gets me. Even back to the movie Phenomenon with John Travolta I can remember empathizing with the situation. Tonight’s episode of House dealt with the death of a patient who was suffering from a chronic debilitating physical condition before finally dying of a parasite. The final scene when he actually dies he asks the doctors to put his service dog up with him on the bed and place his hand on the dogs head. Then through his last raspy breaths he said goodbye. For the doctors in the room it was their (presumably) first code and they were visibly shaken (yes, I realize they are just playing the part). The whole scene was so sterile and sad and final.

Now, as a Christian I obviously believe that when I die, I will go to Heaven. That said, my heart aches at the sight of reminders of the brokenness of the human condition. Death was never God’s intention and I think he is just as pained by human suffering as we are, more so even! Death and sin and brokenness are reminders of how we screwed things up, screwed up His Perfect Creation. The existence of pain and suffering in the world is very frustrating to me. I want to fix it, I want to find the cause and be rid of it and the fact we cannot cure the ailment tears me apart sometimes. In the grand scheme of things it would be very easy for me to sell all my possessions and give the money to the Red Cross or World Concern and then feel all warm and fuzzy about the good that I did. That is too easy, too small. God doesn’t want my stuff, it’s already his. He wants me and I want Him to have me! I want my photography and computer skills and interest in world affairs and love of people to open doors that people might see the light of His love in my life! I pray that my joy in Him would be overflowing and infectious to those around me so that when people ask me for the reason for the hope I have I can show them the wonderful Majesty that is our God! And if wanting God to be evident in my every action means that I get teary eyed when I see an emotional movie, who knows, maybe that will open up a door someday. Now, pass the tissues. . .

Well, the season finale of Numb3rs just finished and I think it also just took the leap to the top of my favorite shows on TV.  The issues they deal with and the way they approach those issues hits like West Wing did at its height.  Gone are the easy answers and witty jokes that highlight most prime time TV.  The last few weeks of the show have dealt with everything from feelings of personal inadequacy, to loyalty to friends and family, to the meaning of life.  But they don’t deal with those things in academic or philosophical settings but rather in real life settings.  Characters being faced with death and questioning why they do what they do, why they get up in the morning, and wondering what their own lives will amount to in the end.  I always feel kind of cheesy and melodramatic to talk about it but I often think about many of the same questions.  Whether it is because I’m interested in history or because my parents often help people deal with end of life issues and questions, I know how short a time we are on this planet and how important it is to be good stewards of the time we do have.  It is difficult to be an age and have a job that seems to be so inconsequential in the greater scheme of things but at the same time realize that every day of our life is one day less to make a difference.  I trust that God is using me to build His Kingdom but it is hard to see how my roll in the registration office solves what is going on in Darfur or Palestine or even parts of the US.  The world is broken and dying and I live a life of affluence and comfort.  I can trust that every night when I go to bed, I will wake up to a well paying job and three meals a day.  I watched The Day After Tomorrow yesterday on FOX and as much as it is an alarmist summer blockbuster, it speaks the truth about the fragility of our way of life and how much we take for granted.  So many of the things that we think are problems in our daily life, burned coffee or a bad commute, are nothing compared to people in the favellas of Brazil or the locked down center of Baghdad who wake up each morning wondering if this is the day when they get hit by a stray bullet or caught in a car bomb blast.  One of my favorite movie lines of all time comes from the movie Dogma when Ben Affleck (yes, he of Jersey Girl and Gilli fame) is ranting about how humans don’t deserve God’s Grace because it is so freely given and so widely rejected.  We spend so much time praying for our wants and “needs” that we often forget to simply thank God for the incredible privilege of a life in the shadow of his Son.

Sorry to make my first post in a while a somber one, but I haven’t been quite sure what to write about these last few days. My Grandpa passed away tonight after a very short fight with cancer. I am thankful he is at peace now and no longer in any pain. Here is what I wrote last night after calling my grandparents house and talking to him for the last time.
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“Ok, I’ll see you later.”

Those were my Grandpa’s last words to me. I called and spoke with my dad for about 15 minutes tonight and very briefly with my Grandpa. Dad thinks there is a good chance Grandpa won’t make it through the night. He is in a lot of pain and discomfort from the bleeding in his stomach. Dad broke down a couple of times on the phone, I cried when I hung up. You know, I haven’t been sure how to feel until now about my Grandpa dying. I don’t want to start talking about how it isn’t fair or anything like that, but Grandpa has had so much pain and such a lower quality of life for the last few years I am grateful that he is just days away from being eternally free from pain. I kind of knew at Christmas that would probably be the last time I saw him but I don’t think any of us knew he would go this fast. I have been doing a lot of reading lately about what it means to be a “Calvinist” and what tools of faith it provides me with. One of those “tools” is the Heidelburg Catechism and I want to close with the First Question.

“Q: What is thy only comfort in life and death?

A: That I with body and soul, both in life and death, I am not my own, but belong unto my faithful Savior Jesus Christ; who, with his precious blood, hath fully satisfied for all my sins, and delivered me from all the power of the devil; and so preserves me that without the will of my heavenly Father, not a hair can fall from my head; yea, that all things must be subservient to my salvation, and therefore, by his Holy Spirit, he also assures me of eternal life, and makes me sincerely willing and ready, henceforth to live unto him.”

Goodbye Grandpa, I’ll see you later.