I spent all of last week laying out my most definitive vision so far for how artists can be at their best, both in their work and their personal life. I wanted to start this week off with a confession of sorts. I am absolutely terrified of the whole identity thing I mentioned at the start of last week. It’s easy to talk about and it sounds liberating and freeing to talk about forging your own identity, but in that freedom there is a terrifying reality: Defining who you are as an artist and a professional creative borders on Herculean in difficulty.

Coaching and encouraging others to be more creative is easy. I can sit down with an accountant or software programmer and set them up with something like 750words.com and feel like I’ve done some good in the world. I’ve helped someone create something and now they feel awesome and I feel awesome by proxy. But when it comes to my own creativity? When it comes to my own attempts at 750words, 280daily, my pen and paper journal, my photography, my blog, my other blog, and my other other blog? I was asked by someone the other day where I write. I had just told this person I was a writer and she logically asked where she could find my work and I found myself back peddling. “Well, I guest posted once on a friend’s blog…” and then I trailed off. I’ve been telling people for the last two years I’m a writer and all the sudden when I get called on it I panic.

And then I go home and sulk because I feel like the totality of my artistic achievements aren’t enough to defend my position and status as a professional artist.

I totally believe that being a professional has more to do with how you practice your craft than how much recognition you get for it in return. Clearly this holds true when you look at the lives of artists like Van Gough who didn’t receive their due recognition until after they died. Would anyone argue that Van Gough wasn’t a professional painter or that Emily Dickinson just liked to doodle? Of course not!

So why then do I feel I have to defend my identity as a writer and a photographer? I think by taking on that mantle of “professional”, working artist means that people take that as permission to judge you based on your work. Not in the sense of if it’s necessarily any good or not, but they want to know how much you ship. Are you actually working and making things or are you just another one of those “struggling artist”, art school types who just hasn’t grown up yet? And so far, if I’m honest, I don’t feel I’ve made enough things. I haven’t shipped.

When I meet a software programmer, I might ask them about what project they are working on at Microsoft or Google or wherever they are; but I won’t ask to see a sample of their code. If you’re a professional creative though, people expect you to have a portfolio of impressive work almost from day one and they expect you to be able to show it to them.

“Oh you’re a writer? What have you done that I might have seen? What have you done that is legitimate? What have you done that I can judge?”

Every once in a while I’ll look at photo service posts over on Craigslist and more often than not I find myself shaking my head and thinking about how much better my photography is than most of what’s there. But the reality is that they’re shipping and I’m not. They’re out taking photos while I bitch and moan about not enough people telling me I’m awesome. I want to say that I don’t care about others opinion of my work, and yet I’m constantly running around going “HERE LOOK AT THIS! ISN’T IT THE COOLEST THING EVER??? I DID THIS! ME, RIGHT HERE!” and then getting all pissy about it when my mom is the only one who cares.

I think the reason we like having “real jobs” is that we don’t have to do that. We don’t live with the perceived fear that if we’re not making awesome things all the time our client base is going to dry up or move across town. In my barista job right now, we’re never going to lose a customer because I make a bad latte. But if you screw up a job as a freelancer you risk losing not just the current client, but you risk this pox mark on your reputation. And that fear of failure, whether real or perceived, is terrifying to me.

But the reality, from everything I’ve seen is this: That feeling never really goes away. You just learn to ignore the fear and ship anyway. And sometimes you’re going to fail and sometimes you’re going to succeed. But if you aren’t shipping, if you aren’t failing or succeeding, then you aren’t really much of anything.

You can live your life constantly apologizing for what you haven’t yet accomplished, or you can hold your head up and keep moving, keep shipping.

Man, I so need a dose of my own medicine from last week.

If this has been at all helpful to you, then yay! my work here is done. Hopefully it has encouraged you to stop creating out of fear and start doing the work you really want to do. As with everything I write these days, this is pretty heavily influenced by several conversations I’ve had with friends and the many writings, keynotes and podcasts of the wonderful Merlin Mann. If you STILL haven’t checked out Back to Work you have no idea what you’re missing.

I watched the documentary WarPhotographer tonight. The movie is about freelance photographer James Nachtwey who is one of the preeminent documentary photographers on the planet. It’s the second time I’ve watched it and it always makes me want to be a better photographer. To take photos that matter. To do something with my life that ‘matters’.

What I wonder about though is why. Why do I–why do we–have this compulsion to do something that ‘matters’? Why am I not content to take photos of trees and mountains? Why am I not content to work a desk job? Why do I want to feel like I’m living my life working toward a goal or a higher purpose that is outside of myself?

I think it is easy to confuse this notion with calling. I’m not talking about what work I feel called to do–I think calling is pretty specific–a specific career or geographic calling. I have no idea what I’m called to do. But I know I want to, no, need to do something that matters.

When I started writing this post I wanted to bring it around to some happy little platitude. Some little theological nugget about God and Jesus. Some answer I can give that makes sense of this little part of what it means to live. The best I can do this a cliche from Nachtwey himself, ‘If we don’t, who will?’

Click here to view the embedded video.

You may have seen my tweet the other day that I think I’ve found my desired focus for my thesis. I’ve felt for a while that I would like to do something related to art, justice, and faith. Obviously that covers lots of ground. There also is lots of great writing and thinking that has been done on various relationships between art & justice, art & faith, and faith & justice. But what I haven’t really seen much of is anything trying to tie all three together. What I would like to do is write a theology of mission for artists and Christian creatives. I’m not arguing that I would have the definitive theological take on things when I’m done, but I think I can add constructively to the conversation about the role the arts play in church. I know that in some ways, it was only after I discovered Christians making great art who also happened to be passionate about justice issues that I really started to think about what I wanted to do with my photography. When I bought my camera, I thought I wanted to take pictures of trees and mountains. I still do sometimes, and I’m not knocking landscape photography, but I think to deny that I have an eye for documentary photography and can help give a voice to the poor and marginalized through my photographs is to reject who God has made me to be. That is why I think having a framework for thinking about and doing art that raises awareness of issues of faith and justice is a valuable tool for giving new artists a theological foundation to work from. And to set my ambitions high, I think the goal of submitting my final thesis as a book for publication would be pretty exciting. Who knows, maybe it would even get picked up! Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?

Anyway… in the coming months you may see me posting chunks here as I think through this issue and my thesis. I welcome your thoughts and comments now and in the future.

But first I need to make it through the next three weeks of the semester…

I have not taken a photo in two weeks…

I don’t know how I feel about that.

I haven’t taken a photo because I haven’t seen any. That might sound a little crazy but if you’re a photographer I think you understand. When you really are in a groove you see life in f-stops and focal lengths. You walk down the street framing things at 50mm f/16. Colours and contrasts seem to jump out at you, forms and shapes, curves and edges, lines and forms…

Part of my problem is that my photography hasn’t ever been about a creative process. It’s been about people and events and places and documenting them. I mean I know I walk around talking about how everyone has a story to tell, but I right now I feel like I don’t have much of a story.

This is not to say that life isn’t incredible for me right now. Grad school might be the greatest thing that has happened to me, ever. The people I’ve been meeting, the doors it has opened, the things it’s making me think about.

But I can’t shake this feeling that something is building inside me. That there is a great idea laying just beneath the surface and I haven’t been able to give it form yet. It keeps peaking it’s head out here and there, in conversations, in blog posts, in tweets. But it’s not there yet…

I think part of it is that I want to do something excellent. Something remarkable. Now, to be fair I’m sure there is at least a part of me that wants that for the personal accolades. I’ve received some amazing unsolicited complements from friends recently and I think I’ve been letting them go to my head a little bit, but I think it is part of a process too.

You see, I’ve become increasingly convinced recently that in order to do something amazing, something really great, you have to be a little bit arrogant. I don’t mean that in a bad, self-centered kind of way though. I mean it in the sense that you have to believe so strongly that what you are doing is worthy of your effort that when people doubt or ignore you it gives you no pause. There loss. They’re wrong to say my writing isn’t good, or my photos are unremarkable, or my music isn’t beautiful. You have to believe that you have been called to do something so strongly that it becomes the singular focus of your life, the driving force that defines who you are. Then when people tell you your dreams are too big it only pushes you forward rather than dragging you down.

If I may be so bold, this is kind of my own personal “I have a dream” speech. My dream is to see people doing what they love, what they are passionate about. I want to see them living their lives with out hesitation, without a care but for call of their heart. Write that novel. Try out for the community theater. Take photos. Travel. Tell stories. Hug a friend. Restore relationships. Seek justice. What.Ever.It.Is.

We spend so much time worried about things that hold us back that we have become incapable of taking risks. Life is like a swimming pool. The point isn’t getting out, it’s being in the water. It’s not about where you end up. It’s about how you get there. Dive in.

What is your story?

I keep hearing this word over, and over, and over again. Story.

I have called myself a photographer for the last two years. I have defined things by my ability to capture them in a digital image and display it in print or on the web. I have spoken often about the power of images. To effect emotion. To effect change.

But I’m coming to realize that images are only, pardon the expression, part of the picture. I find myself sitting here tonight thinking about how much more there is to the world than simple images. I’m not talking about the convergence of still photography and motion pictures, I’m talking about story. Narrative.

There are over 6 billion people on the planet right now. If you spent an hour with every person listening to their story it would take you over 600,000 years to hear all the stories. But think of how amazing it would be. 6 billion explanations of what it means to be alive. What it means to love. What it means to grieve. The beauty. The pain. The stories.

I want to help people tell their stories. I want to empower them to tell their stories. I want to share their stories. I want to connect people in Argentina to people in Angola to people in Azerbaijan to people in Astoria. I want to hear Russian grandfathers talk about working in the factories and African children talk about playing in the elephant grass. I want to…

I don’t want to just be a photographer anymore. I want to be a storyteller. I want to mix words and photos and motion graphics and video and song to make a record of what it means to be us. You and me.

So.

Lets get started.

What is your story?

I spent some time just wandering around downtown today. I could totally see myself living there. I love all the little nook and cranny coffee spots and cafe’s. I can’t imagine anything more sublime right now than getting to be a writer in downtown.

I’m afraid of my camera.

I realize that sounds kind of silly but it’s true. I’m afraid of it because sometimes I feel like it’s a better photographer than I am. When I had my 30D, it wasn’t uncommon for me to bump up against situations where the physical ability of the camera to take a particular shot held me back. It just wasn’t going to happen because of lack of light or lack of video capture mode, etc. Those situations are much fewer and far between now. Which makes me nervous that when I go out and shoot and don’t come back with anything good, it’s my fault not the camera’s.

I realize I’m still “new” to photography and I’m constantly learning how to shoot in different situations, with different equipment, and different lighting. But the realization that I’m now the one holding back my photography is kind of jarring.

I’m also getting tired of “amateur” photographers. Which sounds a little weird since I am always encouraging people to take more photos, so maybe I should qualify that. I’m getting tired of the “amateur” photography Flickr promotes. I’m not a conspiracy theorist so I don’t think it is a kabal of people controlling Flickr, but rather an ethos somewhat akin to the hardcore Lomography crowd. There are a lot of great photographers who are on Flickr and get only a handful of views and comments. Then there are lots of people who take mediocre to decent  photographs but promote an image and lifestyle as a pro and then sit around cross promoting each other to get “Explored” on Flickr.

Lisa Bettany who is a blogger/photographer/geek/Canadian from Vancouver, BC wrote on her blog recently about how to get your images “Explored” on Flickr. While it’s all true and good advice, I think it also points to a lot of what annoys me about the Flickr community. Bokeh is the word used to describe the artistic rendering of out of focus points of light. When most people start talking about “bokeh” they don’t really know what they are talking about. They have some thought in mind that good pictures have “good” bokeh so they start running around tagging every photo with a blurred background as having good bokeh. Lisa also mentions having “Hot Chicks” in your photos helps. I’ve seen some very technically mediocre photos get hundreds of views because the subject is physically attractive.

To be honest and fair, part of me is frustrated because I’m jealous. I get frustrated when I see photos that have hundreds of “favs” or comments when I know I’ve taken similar, better photos. But that’s also one of the things that has kept me from being more involved there. Flickr spends so much time promoting this rebellious self taught style of photography that ethics and philosophy gets thrown by the wayside. Flickr is about becoming web famous. I want a photographic community that isn’t about self promotion but rather about challenging photographers to think about what they do, why they do it, and how they can do it better. I see people like Chase Jarvis, Dane Saunders, and David Hobby pursuing paths like this and it makes me much more excited about my future in photography.

I take photos because I want to tell stories. I take photos because I believe God has given me a gift. I take photos because something inside me compels me to do it. And when I see people who use photography for self promotion, and they succeed at it, it frustrates me to no end. When “old time” photographers complain about how digital has killed the art of photography, I think they miscast a little bit of their frustration. It’s not digital photography (which has in fact opened the door and made it easier for real professionals to do fantastic and amazing things with the medium) that has ruined things, its the people who have started using photography as the means to an end. They are the Perez Hilton’s of the art world.

So this is a little bit of a rambling post that wanders all over the place and is pretty cynical. But I needed to vent a little tonight. Anyway, this is the part where you tell me why I’m wrong. So, what are your thoughts?

I’ve written before about what I want to do with photography in the future and why photography is such a powerful medium. I’ve posted videos from the TED Conference featuring James Nachtwey, my photography hero, speaking about what photography means to him. I haven’t written much about why I pick up the camera when I go out. What keeps me hitting the shutter release frame after frame. I have now taken 6662 shots with my 30D. I have shot on three different continents and taken photos of everything from black and white still life’s of my bathroom to orphan children playing soccer in Uganda. And I am still amazed at what happens when I plug the CF card into my card reader. Seeing images that I saw with my eyes, places and people, moments lost to time, replicated on screen as a computer’s interpreting of the 0′s and 1′s from the light sensor in the camera, it amazes me. They are windows into things I can never experience again.

The night before leaving for Uganda I wrote in my journal, “In just over 24 hours I’m going to get on a plane and it is going to change my life forever. …I think that this is going to be a very important moment in my life that I will look back on one day and say that is when things changed. What that change might be, I don’t know. I believe that God has time and again made it abundantly clear that I’m supposed to go and see and take pictures. I would hope this trip makes me less cynical and more galvanized for change.” That was just barely less than a year ago.

It is very popular on Flickr to do a “365″ series consisting of a photo of yourself everyday for one year. I have a lot of respect for people who are able to do it and some of them end up with amazing work. I don’t think I could do it though. That’s not the kind of photography that excites me. I don’t feel driven to take photos because of the “bokeh” of my new lens or the cool way I can light a scene with my iPhone and an alarm clock. All that stuff is cool and fun to play around with, but it’s not what I do.

Volume-wise, the vast majority of the photos I take are of bands performing at the Abbey Coffee and Music Lounge here in Santa Cruz. I enjoy it and I’ve taken good pictures there. But my best work, the work I think was most rewarding and has the most meaning is the photos I brought back from Africa. I believe that great art, truly monumental works that have lasting cultural impact, has a cost. I have a lot to learn and a lot of photos to take in my future so I have no delusions of greatness with anything I have done up to this point. But when I look at the photos I have from Uganda and compare them to those photos I have from the Abbey, it’s not even close. I shoot at Vintage and the Abbey because I can and it is a great service to the church. But the photography I am most passionate about, the work that gets me most fired up and wanting to share with others is stuff like I got from Uganda. Those are photos God borrowed my camera for. I partly went to Uganda because I wanted go on an exotic adventure and I wanted people to look at my photos and be jealous of my experience. But the photos I brought back were not about me. Not about my skilled manipulation of ISO’s and f-stops. The photos I brought back show a world that is completely alien to us in America. A world where war, famine, and disease are a reality and yet hope lives on.

I get upset sometimes when my flickr sets don’t get the views I think they deserve or when I see a “pro” doing work I could do better. I get upset that people haven’t “discovered” me and aren’t showering me with comments and page views. But then I remember why I’m really doing this. God did not gift me as a photographer so that I could be famous. God gifted me so that I could tell stories. So that I could help confront injustice and suffering, pain and ignorance. So that maybe someday a kid sees one of my photos and is moved to do something for AIDs orphans or the homeless or maybe even just the lonely. I don’t want people to see my photos and think, “that’s great lighting.” I want them to see my photos and say, “what am I doing to make a difference,” or “it really is beautiful when the Body of Christ worships the Creator.”

As I look toward a future of international relief work and continuing with my photography to that end, I can’t help but think if I try to do it for my own glory I won’t be able to last. I know stories of photojournalists who have worked in war zones or the third world and end up killing themselves because they can’t cope with the reality of people living in those conditions. When I remember I am not taking these photos for my self, but because there is a story that needs to be told and seen, that is what will keep me going. That’s why I shoot. Why I strive to be the best I can be, to be a good steward of this gift I have been given. No one has ever changed the world with a new bigger TV or a new faster car, but photographers who believe in the importance of telling the truth, of being true to the world they see through their lens and the people who live in it, they have.

Between Christmas, travels, and being sick the last few days, it’s been quite a while since I wrote anything. Rather than giving you pages and pages of dribble to read though, I’ll just summarize a bunch of the random thoughts that have been running through my head for the last few weeks.

Charlie Bartlet

While laying around the house sick yesterday, I watched Charlie Bartlet which I’ve had on my Netflix queue (along with about 50 other movies) for a while. It’s about Charlie Bartlet (tada!) an affluent high school student who makes friends at his new school by becoming an amateur psychologist/drug dealer specializing in anti-depressants and stimulants. Billed as a comedy, it is genuinely funny and most of the acting (Robert Downy Jr and Kat Dennings especially) is decent, there are a couple problems I had with the movie. Namely, that while the message in the end (be yourself, world be damned) is good, the excessive use of drugs without medical supervision is treated as more of a comedic device than the felony it actually is.  In the end, it’s worth a few good laughs but Varsity Blues and Grease are far better movies about what being in high school is like.

Gaza

Wow, what a mess. I would describe myself as generally pro-Israel but the Israelies are quickly eroding their moral high ground in their fight against Hamas. To be fair, Hamas isn’t doing anything to help their own cause in giving reason for Israel to continue their offensives. But as the death toll continues to mount, sooner or later Israel will run out of the political capitol and friends in Washington they need to stave off foreign intervention from the UN or Arab League.

Mariner Baseball

Mariner fans have quickly gone from despair to optimism about the 2009 seasons and beyond as new GM Jack Z-somethingsomething has moved to quickly rebuild the farm system destroyed in the disastrous Erik Bedard trade and move the club from a strict scouting oriented organization to one which gives equal time to scouts and stat heads. The fact that he and new manager Don Wakamatsu are talking about the importance of team defense is a massive improvement over the last group who stressed chemistry. Now, if we could just sign Griffey to a cheap farewell tour contract we can really have a party!

Grad School

While I still haven’t received the actual letter (seriously? USPS, fail!) I have heard from the Admissions people at Northwest University that I’ve been accepted to the International Care and Community Development program. If you read my blog, you probably already know this because I know most of you (but maybe not, shout out to anyone new!), but since I realize I haven’t written anything here yet, I thought I probably should. The plan right now is that I will move back in with my parents in Edmonds and start school in the Fall. Hopefully between now and then I will be able to find a job that pays somewhat decent wages and ideally at a non-profit that does international relief work. My long term goal is to find ways to help missionaries and aid workers tell the stories of the people they work with.

5D Mk II

Hopefully after I get my tax return and a stimulus check (though I hear rumors the package includes just tax cuts, no checks like last year) and continued savings I will be able to go forward with my plan to buy the aptly named “Jesus camera.” While $2700 is quite a bit of quid to drop on a camera, when you consider the fact I could easily spend $1500 on a first gen 5D and another $2000-3000 on a good HD camcorder, it’s actually quite a good deal. And while the 720p D90 Nikon came out to much fan fair and then fizzled somewhat, the 5D Mk II seems to have pro shooters drooling all over themselves. And who can blame them with the quality of the demo footage shot by guys like Vincent LaForet.  I could always keep waiting for whatever Red has up their sleeves with their Digital Still and Motion Camera (aka DSMC) but while that will likely be an equally good value, it will probably end up more in the $5000+ range, which is definitely out of my budget.

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Anyway, that’s most of what I’ve been up to in the last few weeks. I had a great Christmas with the fam back in Seattle in the snow and a pretty anti-climactic New Years back here at Mount Hermon. I’m off to make a stop at Safeway and then figure out what I want to eat for dinner since I had a late lunch. Later!

Last year I sold a photo at a young life auction here on Santa Cruz for $75. The photo I am donating this year is even better (I think). I was sealing with a coworker today about it and said that I don’t know if I will ever sell my photos. If someone offers me money, I’ll take it, but I don’t think I am actively pursue the sale of my work. If someone pays me to take pictures, that’s awesome and different. I’m talking about selling things like my photos from Africa or Vintage. I don’t think God has granted me the ability to take photos so I can make money on them. I believe he has given me this gift as a tool for telling stories. The photo I have in the young life auction is of a sunrise on the Nile River. It’s a great picture, but to me it represents a chance for me to talk about what I did and saw there. It gives me a door I can use to expand someones world view. This is why i list all my photos with a Creative Commons license. So unless you are some crazy rich media conglomerate, if you see a photo you like, let me know. I’ll probably send you the image.

*Update*

I love when I write something, and then discover that some of the leading minds/bloggers in the field are thinking about the same things.  While I’m coming from a little bit different place to start with, Vincent LaForet (a Pulitzer Prize winning photographer) and David Hobby (photojournalist and write of the Strobist blog) weigh in with two different views on the subject.  I especially identified and appreciated what David wrote here:

“Who can best use the kinds of photos I want to take? What can I accomplish? How can they use the photos? How much good can I do?

This is where it gets goose pimply. How much good could you do?”

This is the point I was trying to make above.  I’m not doing photography to make money, I’m doing photography to make a difference.  If the two happen to come together one day, awesome.  But I won’t stop shooting because no one is paying me.  There are too many stories to tell.

You can read Vincent LaForet’s somewhat opposing viewpoint here.